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AnyJokes.net

Company: Frekvenca spleta s.p. www.frekvencaspleta.si
Prežihova 17, 8250 Brežice, Slovenia, EU

Web: http://www.anyjokes.net/
Email: haha@anyjokes.net

This document was last updated on February 03, 2012

Latest Jokes

Blonde Jokes

Q: a blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Q: but why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: wishful thinking.

Q: did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: she missed the earth!

Q: did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: she tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

Q: did you hear about the blond with a masters degree in psychology?
A: she’ll blow your mind, too.

Q: did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: they went to see “closed for the winter”.

Q: did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: did you hear about the blonde doctor?
A: she shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.

Q: did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: she kept having affairs with men!

Q: did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck?
A: the spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: she tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Q: did you hear about the blonde who had an appendix operation?
A: well, now she is making money on the side.

Q: did you hear about the blonde who just bought an a.m. Radio?
A: it took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror With her eyes closed?
A: she wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her Husband’s car?
A: she burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: she believed him.

Q: did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: she screams her own name when she comes.

Q: did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: it’s called maids – if the don’t get one, they die.

Q: did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: they take off their makeup.

Q: did you hear about the new slogan for miss clairol’s hair dye?
A: buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.

Q: did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: she missed.

Q: do you know why the blonde got fired from the m&m; factory?
A: for throwing out the w’s.

Q: how can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn’t know what she did with her cigarette.

Q: how can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: by the chipped tooth.

Q: how can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: by the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: how can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: how can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: a bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the Bosses’ faces.

Q: how can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: she has a checkbook.

Q: how can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: by the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: how can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: there is a stamp on it.

Q: how can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: she is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering What she did with her pencil.

Q: how did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: she fell out of the tree.

Q: how did the blonde burn her nose?
A: bobbing for french fries.

Q: how did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: the cow fell on her.

Q: how did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: she was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: how did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: she threw it off a cliff.

Q: how do blonde brain cells die?
A: alone.

Q: how do you brainwash a blonde?
A: give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: how do you change a blonde’s mind?
A: blow in her ear, or
buy her another beer.

Q: how do you confuse a blonde?
A: you don’t. They’re born that way.

Q: how do you confuse a blonde?
A: ask her to alphabetize a bag of m&ms.

Q: how do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: flattered.

Q: how do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: how do you drown a blond?
A: put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: don’t tell her to swallow.
A3: leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: how do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: come.

Q: how do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: how do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: tell her she’s pregnant.

Tee Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, ” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

Guide to Safe Fax

Q: DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTYONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.

Q: IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
A: Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and Must pay a “professional” when their needs to fax become too great.

Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you’re faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.

Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY?
A: Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q: I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything You’re not supposed to.

Mother to daughter advice

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.