A blind man was describing his favorite sport – skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
He quickly answered, “Oh, my dog’s leash goes slack.”
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”
“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.
“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”
Q: What do you call three blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes
1. If your email address is listed on your business cards as “firstname.lastname@example.org”, you might be an IE user.
2. If you actually think you will get $50 for “punching the monkey.”
3. When someone tells you to restart your computer and you turn the monitor off and back on, you just might be an IE user.
4. If someone tells you to go to “www.whatever.com” so you go to Google and search for it, you are probably an IE user.
5. If someone tells you you need a firewall and so you go to the store and buy Norton firewall in a box for $70, you might just possibly be an IE user.
6. When you get a popup ad showing a Windows-like warning and you think it is a Windows warning box, you might be an IE user.
7. If you web browser has 8 search bars and you don’t even know how they got there, you might be an IE user.
8. If you get pop-up ads and you aren’t even using the Internet, you just might possibly be an IE user.
9. If you have mysterious charges on your card because you received an email from “E-Bay” saying your account would be suspended if you didn’t update your credit card information by clicking “this link”, you must be an IE user.
10. If, while reading this list, you are receiving the message “NT AUTHORITY/SYSTEM will shut down in 60 seconds”, you might be an IE user.
Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”
“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”
“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”
“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”