Funny Jokes

Smart Sex

Why are men so smart during sex?

Cause they’re plugged into a genius!

Lost in the baloon

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.

So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. “Could you tell us where we are?”

“You are in a balloon.”

So the one pilot to the other:

“The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist”

“Then you must be businessmen”, answers the man.

“That’s right! How did you know?”

“You have such a good view from where you are and yet you don’t know where you are!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Jokes

“In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I’m shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it’s interesting, he has Ronald Reagan’s appeal as an actor and George W. Bush’s difficulty with the English language. And, let’s not forget, he’s got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win.” —Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny.” —Craig Kilborn

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now.” —Jay Leno

“Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to ‘Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'” —Craig Kilborn

“There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton’s bra.” —Craig Kilborn

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes.” —Jon Stewart

“Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping.” —David Letterman

“Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: “While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” —Jay Leno

“More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold’s past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We’ll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there.” —Jay Leno

“As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself.” —Jay Leno

“In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it’s his own.” —Jay Leno

“Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state’s on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy.” —David Letterman

“Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he’s from a foreign country.” —Jon Stewart

“On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator.” —David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush’s English won’t sound so bad.” —Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit.”

How was school today?

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

Shocked Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He’s completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven’t seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it’s too much for her — she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn’t have a stroke — she was sitting too far away and couldn’t reach.