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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Box under the bed

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?”

The man thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

The woman was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.” They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” To which the man answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

Latest Relationship Jokes

Still pretty

When the husband was lying the wife removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

She-Devil

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, “You don’t scare me; I’m married to your sister!”

What do I look like?

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked
him to fix the toilet. The man says “who do i look like the plumber?” and never fixed it….

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says “who do i look like a blad specialist?” and never fixed it….

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says “who do i look like the maytag repair man?” and never fixed it….

man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet. The man asks his wife “how much did it cost?” His wife says “i had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them.” The man asks his wife “what kinda cake did you bake them?” the wife says “who do i look like Betty Crocker?”

Children

There once a wife who had fifteen kids. She loved them all but found it hard to look after them. Eventually, the stress got the best of her and she died. At her funeral, the priest said, “Now, finally, they’re back together as they should be.”

“What do you mean?” asked her husband. “The kids and I are all still alive!”

“No,” the priest replied, “I meant her legs.”

Living with the girlfriend

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she’d probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, “Twelve.” She didn’t seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”