Twice a week
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?”
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
A husband and wife are watching ”Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, ”Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, ”Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes.
The husband says, ”Well, can I phone a friend?”
Hearing Vs. Listening
What a woman says:
Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!
What a man hears:
C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!
There once a wife who had fifteen kids. She loved them all but found it hard to look after them. Eventually, the stress got the best of her and she died. At her funeral, the priest said, “Now, finally, they’re back together as they should be.”
“What do you mean?” asked her husband. “The kids and I are all still alive!”
“No,” the priest replied, “I meant her legs.”
Who Wears The Pants
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.” She said “I can’t wear your pants.” “That’s right!!” said the husband, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!” She said, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude.”