The last straw
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling.
When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” The wife began talking describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Mondays and Thursdays.”
Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: I’m sure that you have been told that in today’s world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup — a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.
Ferrari
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man’s license and registration. Then the cop said, “Listen, Mac, it’s Friday, I’m tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a minute, then replied, “My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me.”
The cop nodded and said, “Have a nice day.”
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man’s license and registration. Then the cop said, “Listen, Mac, it’s Friday, I’m tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a minute, then replied, “My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me.”
The cop nodded and said, “Have a nice day.”
The Perfect Husband
Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00.”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”
“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”
“Yes?”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”
“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”
“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”
Hold me
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’
The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’
