Who Wears The Pants
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.” She said “I can’t wear your pants.” “That’s right!!” said the husband, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!” She said, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude.”
40 years of sex
Grampa and Grandma were sitting a the table. Grandma gets up suddenly,
rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head. He
says, “What was that for?”
Grandma says, “That’s for 40 years of bad sex.”
Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over and
slaps Grandma upside the head.
She says, “Now what’s that for?”
He says, “That’s for knowing the difference.”
Coming home late
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’
The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’
Would You Marry Again, Scummy?
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”