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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Ferrari

A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man’s license and registration. Then the cop said, “Listen, Mac, it’s Friday, I’m tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a minute, then replied, “My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me.”

The cop nodded and said, “Have a nice day.”

A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man’s license and registration. Then the cop said, “Listen, Mac, it’s Friday, I’m tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a minute, then replied, “My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me.”

The cop nodded and said, “Have a nice day.”

Latest Relationship Jokes

Sleeping Partners

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I”m sorry to bother you, but I”m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I”ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let”s pretend we”re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not,” she giggles.

“Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn blanket!”

Would You Marry Again, Scummy?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”

The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said, “Okay, I would”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Rewarded

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ”Hey, Dave! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ”Oh no,” says Dave. ”He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ”You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.” ”No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.” A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ”Hi, Davey,” she says, ”Want your usual table dance?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ”Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!”

Hearing Vs. Listening

What a woman says:

Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!

What a man hears:

C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

She-Devil

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, “You don’t scare me; I’m married to your sister!”