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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Honeymoon

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon. Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.
”On our first night,” the woman said, “you did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time, I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about. Can you explain?”
”On that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet.”

Latest Relationship Jokes

Who Wears The Pants

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.” She said “I can’t wear your pants.” “That’s right!!” said the husband, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!” She said, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude.”

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

A husband and wife are watching ”Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, ”Honey, let’s go upstairs…”

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, ”Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes.

The husband says, ”Well, can I phone a friend?”

Children

There once a wife who had fifteen kids. She loved them all but found it hard to look after them. Eventually, the stress got the best of her and she died. At her funeral, the priest said, “Now, finally, they’re back together as they should be.”

“What do you mean?” asked her husband. “The kids and I are all still alive!”

“No,” the priest replied, “I meant her legs.”

The Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: 

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner  to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules. 

Any comments?” 

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.

“Yeah, except today is the last night.”