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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Powder Viagra

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

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Single…

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says,”Sophie, you know I’m shy.  Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him.  He looks so lonely.”

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister.  I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”

“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”

“You’re kidding!  What for?”

“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”

“What happened to your second wife?”

“I shot her.”

“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”

“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”

“Oh my,” says Sophie.  Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,

“Yoo hoo, Shirley.  He’s single.

Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

I can’t eat, drink or sleep

Ricky was telling his father about his new girlfriend. He said,
“Since I met her I can’t eat, drink, or sleep.”
“Why’s that?” asked his father.
“Because,” he said, “I’m broke.”

What do I look like?

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked
him to fix the toilet. The man says “who do i look like the plumber?” and never fixed it….

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says “who do i look like a blad specialist?” and never fixed it….

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says “who do i look like the maytag repair man?” and never fixed it….

man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet. The man asks his wife “how much did it cost?” His wife says “i had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them.” The man asks his wife “what kinda cake did you bake them?” the wife says “who do i look like Betty Crocker?”

The Perfect Husband

Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”

“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”

“Yes?”

“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”

“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”