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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Refrigerator

A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he’s a refrigerator.”

“That’s not so bad,” said the doctor. “It’s a rather harmless complex.”

“Well, maybe,” replied the lady. “But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness.”

Latest Relationship Jokes

The Wishing Well

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”

Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

Still pretty

When the husband was lying the wife removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

Fairy tales

“Mommy,” Little Johnny asked, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”
“No, dear,” she replied. “Sometimes they start with ‘Darling, I’ll be working late at the office tonight…’ “

The Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: 

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner  to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules. 

Any comments?” 

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”