The Perfect Husband
Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”
“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”
“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”
“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”
An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon. Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.
”On our first night,” the woman said, “you did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time, I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about. Can you explain?”
”On that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet.”
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’
The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’
Did you cheat?
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!”
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time!”
Hearing Vs. Listening
What a woman says:
Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!
What a man hears:
C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!