A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I”m sorry to bother you, but I”m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.”
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I”ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let”s pretend we”re married.”
The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not,” she giggles.
“Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn blanket!”
An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon. Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.
”On our first night,” the woman said, “you did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time, I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about. Can you explain?”
”On that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet.”
Ending a relationship is just like adjusting your underwear: You feel better when the creep is gone.
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
”Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.”
”That must have hurt,” said the judge.
”No kidding,” said the best man. ”I broke three of my fingers.”
There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his wedding day. The guy at the plate hits the ball, and it nails Joe righ in the genitals. His teamates rush him to the hospital and take him into the emergency room. As he’s lying on the table the doctor looks at him and says, ”That’s pretty bad. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for that.”
Joe says, ”Oh please doc it’s my wedding night. You’ve gotta do something!”
The doctor then says, ”Well, I can put two tongue depressors around it and wrap it with gauze tap to immobilize it.”
Joe says, ”Oh thank you, doc. Just don’t tell my fiance.”
They get married and later that night Joe’s lying on the bed and his wife comes out in a sexy outfit. She unbuttons it, grabs her breasts and says, ”Do you see these beautiful breasts? No one else has ever seen these. I’ve been saving them just for you.”
”Thats nothing,” Joe replies. He pulls down his pants and says, ”Look at this. It’s not even out of the box yet!”
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”