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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Sleeping Partners

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I”m sorry to bother you, but I”m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I”ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let”s pretend we”re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not,” she giggles.

“Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn blanket!”

Latest Relationship Jokes

Powder Viagra

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

Would You Marry Again, Scummy?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”

The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said, “Okay, I would”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Rewarded

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ”Hey, Dave! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ”Oh no,” says Dave. ”He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ”You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.” ”No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.” A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ”Hi, Davey,” she says, ”Want your usual table dance?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ”Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!”

Honeymoon

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon. Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.
”On our first night,” the woman said, “you did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time, I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about. Can you explain?”
”On that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet.”

Single…

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says,”Sophie, you know I’m shy.  Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him.  He looks so lonely.”

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister.  I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”

“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”

“You’re kidding!  What for?”

“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”

“What happened to your second wife?”

“I shot her.”

“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”

“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”

“Oh my,” says Sophie.  Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,

“Yoo hoo, Shirley.  He’s single.