What do I look like?
A man came home from work one day and his wife asked
him to fix the toilet. The man says “who do i look like the plumber?” and never fixed it….
The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says “who do i look like a blad specialist?” and never fixed it….
The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says “who do i look like the maytag repair man?” and never fixed it….
man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet. The man asks his wife “how much did it cost?” His wife says “i had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them.” The man asks his wife “what kinda cake did you bake them?” the wife says “who do i look like Betty Crocker?”
The Perfect Husband
Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”
“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”
“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”
“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The
husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was so in love and didn’t notice.”
Would You Marry Again, Scummy?
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
If you were my husband…
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”