A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
There once a wife who had fifteen kids. She loved them all but found it hard to look after them. Eventually, the stress got the best of her and she died. At her funeral, the priest said, “Now, finally, they’re back together as they should be.”
“What do you mean?” asked her husband. “The kids and I are all still alive!”
“No,” the priest replied, “I meant her legs.”
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’
The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?”
The man thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
The woman was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.” They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” To which the man answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I”m sorry to bother you, but I”m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.”
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I”ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let”s pretend we”re married.”
The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not,” she giggles.
“Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn blanket!”
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?”
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”