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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Would You Marry Again, Scummy?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”

The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said, “Okay, I would”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Latest Relationship Jokes

Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.

Rule Two: I’m sure that you have been told that in today’s world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.

Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup — a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.

Living with the girlfriend

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she’d probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, “Twelve.” She didn’t seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

Sleeping Partners

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I”m sorry to bother you, but I”m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I”ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let”s pretend we”re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not,” she giggles.

“Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn blanket!”

Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

I can’t eat, drink or sleep

Ricky was telling his father about his new girlfriend. He said,
“Since I met her I can’t eat, drink, or sleep.”
“Why’s that?” asked his father.
“Because,” he said, “I’m broke.”