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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Gender-specific phrases

During a lesson in communications at Metropolitan State College of Denver, my daughter’s class was asked to modify gender-specific phrases. After tehy changed “A man made $100 in two days,” to “Someone made $100 in two dyas,” a student was heard chuckling. “Someone,” he called out, “has to get a better job!”

Latest Student Jokes

Needs Money!”

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Gradinig Essays

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was “$100 = 100% – I get an A.”

A month later, the student approached the professor. “I don’t understand,” he said. “I failed the course. Didn’t you read my final?” The professor handed the student the exam book.

The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase “$50 = 50% – You fail!”

You Know You’re Out Of College When…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in twin-sized beds seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
7. 8:00 AM is not early.
8. You have to file your own taxes.
9. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
10. You don’t get carded anymore.
11. You carry an umbrella.
12. You learn that “bachelor” is a nicer term for JACKA**.
13. “Extended childhood” only really pertained to your salary, which is little less than your allowance used to be.
14. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
15. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
16. You start watching the Weather Channel.
17. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
18. You can no longer do SHOTS and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
19. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
20. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
21. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
22. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
23. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
24. Your car insurance goes down.
25. You refer to college students as kids.
26. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, Everclear and rum.
27. The beer you DO drink doesn’t have to be what’s on sale.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
30. You’re on the computer more than you’re on the telephone.
31. You no longer go out for something to eat in Pajama Pants and your sorority/fraternity/college sweatshirt.
32. “The Walk of Shame” is now that long walk from the boss’ office back to your cubicle.
33. You’re actually glad to hear to hear those two words you hated for 4 years – “LAST CALL!”
34. When you drink at a party, it is out of a glass and not out of a red plastic cup.
35. Everclear in jello just doesn’t sound so appealing anymore.
36. When you attend a party, the main drink is not served out of a huge plastic garbage can.
37. You find that brief cases are more acceptable than the once staple backpack.
38. You have eliminated most alcoholic drinks out of your repertoire due to the fact that some bad experience was had on every one of them.
39. The only times you see your jeans and T-shirts is Friday thru Sunday.
40. The friends you’re making now just don’t seem to measure up…

Idiot’s Rise

A sarcastic teacher asked his class, “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?” After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Ph.D.

After 12 long, difficult years of study, my daughter finally earned her Ph.D. On the night of her graduation, we celebrated at an exclusive restaurant. “Honey,” I said, raising a glass in her direction, “we are so happy for.”
“Thanks, Dad,” my daughter replied. “But from now on, it will be Doctor honey.”