During a lesson in communications at Metropolitan State College of Denver, my daughter’s class was asked to modify gender-specific phrases. After tehy changed “A man made $100 in two days,” to “Someone made $100 in two dyas,” a student was heard chuckling. “Someone,” he called out, “has to get a better job!”
Request for Money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything.”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you… study?”
You Know You’re Out Of College When…
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in twin-sized beds seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
7. 8:00 AM is not early.
8. You have to file your own taxes.
9. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
10. You don’t get carded anymore.
11. You carry an umbrella.
12. You learn that “bachelor” is a nicer term for JACKA**.
13. “Extended childhood” only really pertained to your salary, which is little less than your allowance used to be.
14. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
15. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
16. You start watching the Weather Channel.
17. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
18. You can no longer do SHOTS and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
19. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
20. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
21. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
22. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
23. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
24. Your car insurance goes down.
25. You refer to college students as kids.
26. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, Everclear and rum.
27. The beer you DO drink doesn’t have to be what’s on sale.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
30. You’re on the computer more than you’re on the telephone.
31. You no longer go out for something to eat in Pajama Pants and your sorority/fraternity/college sweatshirt.
32. “The Walk of Shame” is now that long walk from the boss’ office back to your cubicle.
33. You’re actually glad to hear to hear those two words you hated for 4 years – “LAST CALL!”
34. When you drink at a party, it is out of a glass and not out of a red plastic cup.
35. Everclear in jello just doesn’t sound so appealing anymore.
36. When you attend a party, the main drink is not served out of a huge plastic garbage can.
37. You find that brief cases are more acceptable than the once staple backpack.
38. You have eliminated most alcoholic drinks out of your repertoire due to the fact that some bad experience was had on every one of them.
39. The only times you see your jeans and T-shirts is Friday thru Sunday.
40. The friends you’re making now just don’t seem to measure up…
A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was “$100 = 100% – I get an A.”
A month later, the student approached the professor. “I don’t understand,” he said. “I failed the course. Didn’t you read my final?” The professor handed the student the exam book.
The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase “$50 = 50% – You fail!”