Dear God
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn’t receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: “Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.”
How He Made His Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $3.50.
Then my wife’s father died and left us ten million dollars.”
Drawing Welfare
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ” Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull$#!ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well… you started it”.
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”
New Rules For Employment
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
1. ”… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
2. ”She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
3. ”A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
4. ”… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
5. ”… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”
6. ”Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
7. ”Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
8. ”When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
9 . ”At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
10. ”… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
11. ”Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
12. ”While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
13. ”During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
14. ”A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ”’Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
15. ”His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”
16. ”Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
17. ”… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”
18. ”Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
