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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

A New Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forces for three years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

Latest Work Jokes

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

”She’s out of control!” the first doctor says. ”She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!”

”That’s nothing,” said the second doctor, ”earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!”

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

”OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!”’

Drawing Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ” Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull$#!ttin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well… you started it”.

What does Egret taste like?

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.”

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”

“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”

Note of caution

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. ”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ’Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.”

Just Laid Off

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly… “My ass itches, and I can’t scratch it!”