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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Chairman of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Latest Work Jokes

Mathematical Problem

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint… it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

What does Egret taste like?

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.”

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”

“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”

True Job Application Responses

Reasons For Leaving Last Job:

– Responsibility makes me nervous.

– They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

– Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

– I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

– The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

Job Responsibilities:

– While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

– I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

Special Requests and Job Objectives:

– Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

Physical Disabilities:

– Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Personal Interests:

– Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

And then there are the Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning:

– Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

– Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.

– Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

– I’m a rabid typist.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Drawing Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ” Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull$#!ttin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well… you started it”.

Time Off

Two men working in a facory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a lightbulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.