Big Boss Ass
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.
New Rules For Employment
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
1. ”… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
2. ”She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
3. ”A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
4. ”… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
5. ”… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”
6. ”Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
7. ”Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
8. ”When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
9 . ”At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
10. ”… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
11. ”Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
12. ”While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
13. ”During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
14. ”A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ”’Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
15. ”His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”
16. ”Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
17. ”… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”
18. ”Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
Welcome to Walmart
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my ‘day job’. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, a nd welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work…
Call Centre vs Prison
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
IN A CALL CENTRE you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle (if you’re lucky).
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
IN A CALL CENTRE you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
IN A CALL CENTRE you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
IN A CALL CENTRE you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
IN A CALL CENTRE you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
IN A CALL CENTRE you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
IN A CALL CENTRE they are called managers.
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
”She’s out of control!” the first doctor says. ”She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!”
”That’s nothing,” said the second doctor, ”earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!”
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
”OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!”’