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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Drawing Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ” Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull$#!ttin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well… you started it”.

Latest Work Jokes

A New Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forces for three years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

New Rules For Employment

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. ”… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

2. ”She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

3. ”A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

4. ”… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

5. ”… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”

6. ”Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

7. ”Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

8. ”When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

9 . ”At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

10. ”… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

11. ”Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

12. ”While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

13. ”During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

14. ”A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ”’Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

15. ”His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

16. ”Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

17. ”… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

18. ”Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:

1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

Letters Of Recommendation

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

For a stupid employee:

“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee:

“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”

Christmas Bonus

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.