Funny Jokes
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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

I’m Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. ‘Good morning,’ said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed It wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Latest Work Jokes

Swearing at Work

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAY! ING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Medical Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE ) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to all your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Letting Someone Go

Boss, to four of his employees: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black employee: “I’m a protected minority.”

Female employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay…”

Just Laid Off

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly… “My ass itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

You Might Be a Technician if…

you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.

you think of the gadgets in your office as “friends.”

you think your computer looks better without the cover.

you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”

you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.

the microphone at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to fix it.

you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.