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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

I’m Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. ‘Good morning,’ said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed It wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Latest Work Jokes

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:

1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

Welcome to Walmart

As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my ‘day job’. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day……

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, a nd welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work…

Note of caution

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. ”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ’Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.”

The New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. This guy is really going to show that he was a good investment by the company.

One day, on a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

Medical Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE ) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to all your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.