Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson number two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
You Might Be an Engineer if…
your favorite James Bond character is “Q”.
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
your family haven’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.
in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
you think the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
you think “cuddling” is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange.
you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.
your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.
How To Get A Raise
A boss tells his new employee, “I’ll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I’ll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?”
“In 3 months.”
Swearing at Work
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
It’s not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAY! ING:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
This sh__ won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
He’s got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
F___ it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
He’s a pr_ck.
Two men working in a facory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.
“How are you going to do that?”
“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a lightbulb.”
“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.
“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.