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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Just Laid Off

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly… “My ass itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

Latest Work Jokes

You Might Be an Engineer if…

your favorite James Bond character is “Q”.

you see a good design and still have to change it.

you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

your family haven’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.

in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.

you think the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.

you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

you think “cuddling” is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange.

you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.

you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.

your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.

Interview

Human resource manager to an applicant:
“Before our company accepts you to work here, I need to know if you are often late and if you tend to tell lies and steal things?”
“No. But if the company needs this kind of people I can learn quickly.”

Corporate Lessons

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson number two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Letting Someone Go

Boss, to four of his employees: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black employee: “I’m a protected minority.”

Female employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay…”

What does Egret taste like?

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.”

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”

“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”