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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Just Laid Off

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly… “My ass itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

Latest Work Jokes

A Manager’s Decision Making

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”

The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”

True Job Application Responses

Reasons For Leaving Last Job:

– Responsibility makes me nervous.

– They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

– Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

– I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

– The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

Job Responsibilities:

– While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

– I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

Special Requests and Job Objectives:

– Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

Physical Disabilities:

– Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Personal Interests:

– Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

And then there are the Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning:

– Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

– Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.

– Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

– I’m a rabid typist.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

I’m Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. ‘Good morning,’ said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed It wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

New Rules For Employment

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. ”… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

2. ”She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

3. ”A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

4. ”… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

5. ”… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”

6. ”Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

7. ”Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

8. ”When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

9 . ”At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

10. ”… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

11. ”Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

12. ”While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

13. ”During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

14. ”A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ”’Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

15. ”His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

16. ”Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

17. ”… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

18. ”Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

”She’s out of control!” the first doctor says. ”She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!”

”That’s nothing,” said the second doctor, ”earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!”

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

”OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!”’