At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”
The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”
The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”
If Resumes Told the Truth
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.
Letters Of Recommendation
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”
For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”
For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
For a dishonest employee:
“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”
New Sales Assistant
A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I’ll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here’s a couple of bags. You’ll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I’ll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. “You see?” he said, “that’s the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for.”
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I’d like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend’s shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
How He Made His Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $3.50.
Then my wife’s father died and left us ten million dollars.”