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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Medical Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE ) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to all your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Latest Work Jokes

What does Egret taste like?

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.”

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”

“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:

1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

You Might Be an Engineer if…

your favorite James Bond character is “Q”.

you see a good design and still have to change it.

you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

your family haven’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.

in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.

you think the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.

you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

you think “cuddling” is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange.

you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.

you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.

your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.

Working Relationship

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. “Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did.”
“You got in an argument with your boss.”
“Well, piss on him!!!” said the man.
“You did. He fired you.”
“Well, screw him!”
“I did.” said his wife. “You’re back to work on Monday.”

Time Off

Two men working in a facory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a lightbulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.