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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

New Office Words

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY ;: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20. MUSHROOM MANAGER: Keeps all of their staff in the dark. Whenever employees grow too big, they chop off their heads.

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Latest Work Jokes

Top Ten “Out of Office” Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor’s having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18/10/08. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged GBP5.99 for the first 10 words and GBP1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lisa’ instead of ‘Les’.

A Manager’s Decision Making

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”

The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”

Letting Someone Go

Boss, to four of his employees: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black employee: “I’m a protected minority.”

Female employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay…”

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

The light bulb doesn’t need changing, it’s the system that needs to change.

None. Social workers never change anything.

None. They empower it to change itself!

None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it’s just differently lit.

None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.

Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.

Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

”She’s out of control!” the first doctor says. ”She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!”

”That’s nothing,” said the second doctor, ”earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!”

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

”OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!”’