Funny Jokes
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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

New Office Words

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY ;: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20. MUSHROOM MANAGER: Keeps all of their staff in the dark. Whenever employees grow too big, they chop off their heads.

Latest Work Jokes

Big Boss Ass

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.

Christmas Bonus

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear from your Consultant

10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.

Time Off

Two men working in a facory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a lightbulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

True Job Application Responses

Reasons For Leaving Last Job:

– Responsibility makes me nervous.

– They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

– Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

– I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

– The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

Job Responsibilities:

– While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

– I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

Special Requests and Job Objectives:

– Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

Physical Disabilities:

– Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Personal Interests:

– Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

And then there are the Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning:

– Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

– Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.

– Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

– I’m a rabid typist.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.