Chairman of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” said the applicant. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
At this the interviewer exclaimed,”Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!”
“Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
A New Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forces for three years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”
“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Swearing at Work
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
It’s not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAY! ING:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
This sh__ won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
He’s got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
F___ it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
He’s a pr_ck.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ” Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull$#!ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well… you started it”.