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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

New Sales Assistant

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I’ll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here’s a couple of bags. You’ll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I’ll take one of those too.

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. “You see?” he said, “that’s the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for.”

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I’d like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend’s shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

Latest Work Jokes

The Reason I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat… naked.

Two Spoons

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”

The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

Letters Of Recommendation

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

For a stupid employee:

“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee:

“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”

Note of caution

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. ”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ’Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.”

Swearing at Work

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAY! ING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources