Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAY! ING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I’ll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here’s a couple of bags. You’ll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I’ll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. “You see?” he said, “that’s the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for.”
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I’d like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend’s shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” said the applicant. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
At this the interviewer exclaimed,”Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!”
“Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint… it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. This guy is really going to show that he was a good investment by the company.
One day, on a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”