Christmas Bonus
Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
Swearing at Work
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAY! ING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Jokes by Category
Latest Work Jokes
Gynecologist’s Assistant
A young man goes into the Job Center in Edmonton, Alberta and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more – “Can you give me some more details about this?” he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files and replies, “Oh yes here it is. The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Red Deer, Alberta. That’s about 160 kilometres from here.”
“Oh why, is that where the job’s at?”
“No sir. That’s the end of the lineup!”
The Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”
“We will always remember you,” etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. “I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS.”
Chairman of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear from your Consultant
10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.