Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear from your Consultant
10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.
Just Laid Off
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”
“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly… “My ass itches, and I can’t scratch it!”
Human resource manager to an applicant:
“Before our company accepts you to work here, I need to know if you are often late and if you tend to tell lies and steal things?”
“No. But if the company needs this kind of people I can learn quickly.”
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ” Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull$#!ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well… you started it”.
A New Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forces for three years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”
“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”