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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

The Reason I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat… naked.

Latest Work Jokes

Two Spoons

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”

The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

Time Off

Two men working in a facory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a lightbulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

Letting Someone Go

Boss, to four of his employees: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black employee: “I’m a protected minority.”

Female employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay…”

The Retirement Party

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”

“We will always remember you,” etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. “I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS.”

Three Men, Three Wishes

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”

The photographer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.

“I want them both back after lunch” replied the editor, “the deadline for tomorrow’s newspaper is in about ten hours.