True Job Application Responses
Reasons For Leaving Last Job:
– Responsibility makes me nervous.
– They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
– Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
– I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
– The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.
Job Responsibilities:
– While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
– I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
Special Requests and Job Objectives:
– Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
Physical Disabilities:
– Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
Personal Interests:
– Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
And then there are the Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning:
– Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
– Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
– Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
– I’m a rabid typist.
– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Chairman of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
A Manager’s Decision Making
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”
The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”
How He Made His Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $3.50.
Then my wife’s father died and left us ten million dollars.”
Two Spoons
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”
The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”
The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”
