A Manager’s Decision Making
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”
The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”
New Sales Assistant
A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I’ll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here’s a couple of bags. You’ll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I’ll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. “You see?” he said, “that’s the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for.”
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I’d like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend’s shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
Swearing at Work
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
It’s not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAY! ING:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
This sh__ won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
He’s got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
F___ it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
He’s a pr_ck.
Human resource manager to an applicant:
“Before our company accepts you to work here, I need to know if you are often late and if you tend to tell lies and steal things?”
“No. But if the company needs this kind of people I can learn quickly.”
Secret of Business
The store owner teaches a new employee the secret of business:
“You should know that you cannot let customers leave without buying anything just because our store does not have the brands that they wants. You must recommend- and sell them substitutes.
“One day the employee is in the store and a customer comes in.
“I want to buy toilet papers.”
“Sorry. We’re just out of them.” Remembering what his boss told him, however, he quickly adds, “But we do have high- quality sand paper.”