At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”
The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”
The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”
You Might Be a Technician if…
you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
you think of the gadgets in your office as “friends.”
you think your computer looks better without the cover.
you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”
you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
the microphone at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to fix it.
you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
If Resumes Told the Truth
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.
I’m The Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”