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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Top Ten “Out of Office” Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor’s having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18/10/08. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged GBP5.99 for the first 10 words and GBP1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lisa’ instead of ‘Les’.

Latest Work Jokes

Medical Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE ) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to all your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Letting Someone Go

Boss, to four of his employees: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black employee: “I’m a protected minority.”

Female employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay…”

The Retirement Party

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”

“We will always remember you,” etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. “I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS.”

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:

1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

The light bulb doesn’t need changing, it’s the system that needs to change.

None. Social workers never change anything.

None. They empower it to change itself!

None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it’s just differently lit.

None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.

Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.

Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.