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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

True Job Application Responses

Reasons For Leaving Last Job:

– Responsibility makes me nervous.

– They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

– Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

– I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

– The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

Job Responsibilities:

– While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

– I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

Special Requests and Job Objectives:

– Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

Physical Disabilities:

– Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Personal Interests:

– Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

And then there are the Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning:

– Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

– Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.

– Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

– I’m a rabid typist.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Latest Work Jokes

New Office Words

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY ;: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20. MUSHROOM MANAGER: Keeps all of their staff in the dark. Whenever employees grow too big, they chop off their heads.

Call Centre vs Prison

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
IN A CALL CENTRE you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle (if you’re lucky).

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
IN A CALL CENTRE you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
IN A CALL CENTRE you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
IN A CALL CENTRE you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
IN A CALL CENTRE you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
IN A CALL CENTRE you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
IN A CALL CENTRE they are called managers.

Chairman of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

”She’s out of control!” the first doctor says. ”She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!”

”That’s nothing,” said the second doctor, ”earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!”

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

”OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!”’

You Might Be an Engineer if…

your favorite James Bond character is “Q”.

you see a good design and still have to change it.

you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

your family haven’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.

in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.

you think the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.

you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

you think “cuddling” is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange.

you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.

you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.

your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.