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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Two Spoons

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”

The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

Latest Work Jokes

A New Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forces for three years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

I’m The Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

“I’m the Boss!”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

Gynecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Edmonton, Alberta and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more – “Can you give me some more details about this?” he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files and replies, “Oh yes here it is. The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Red Deer, Alberta. That’s about 160 kilometres from here.”

“Oh why, is that where the job’s at?”

“No sir. That’s the end of the lineup!”

A Man in a Hot Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hourago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

Dear God

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn’t receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: “Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.”