I’m The Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
New Office Words
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY ;: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMS : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
20. MUSHROOM MANAGER: Keeps all of their staff in the dark. Whenever employees grow too big, they chop off their heads.
The New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. This guy is really going to show that he was a good investment by the company.
One day, on a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
Welcome to Walmart
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my ‘day job’. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, a nd welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work…
You Might Be a Technician if…
you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
you think of the gadgets in your office as “friends.”
you think your computer looks better without the cover.
you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”
you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
the microphone at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to fix it.
you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.