New Rules For Employment
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
1. ”… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
2. ”She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
3. ”A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
4. ”… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
5. ”… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”
6. ”Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
7. ”Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
8. ”When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
9 . ”At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
10. ”… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
11. ”Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
12. ”While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
13. ”During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
14. ”A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ”’Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
15. ”His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”
16. ”Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
17. ”… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”
18. ”Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
Human resource manager to an applicant:
“Before our company accepts you to work here, I need to know if you are often late and if you tend to tell lies and steal things?”
“No. But if the company needs this kind of people I can learn quickly.”
Workplace Farting: Options Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30 percent of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders – The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey – When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
– Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
– Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: – Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: – Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: – One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you’re workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
Big Boss Ass
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.
A Manager’s Decision Making
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”
The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”