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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Working Relationship

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. “Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did.”
“You got in an argument with your boss.”
“Well, piss on him!!!” said the man.
“You did. He fired you.”
“Well, screw him!”
“I did.” said his wife. “You’re back to work on Monday.”

Latest Work Jokes

I’m The Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

“I’m the Boss!”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

A Manager’s Decision Making

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”

The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear from your Consultant

10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.

Two Spoons

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”

The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

Big Boss Ass

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.